Pwned feminist

It has been a while since I have written an update about my thoughts of feminism, patriarchy and porn. This has been the origin of my blog and I have been having a lot of thoughts lately, so I figured I would need to write them down. What started as a blog challenging what I, at the time, thought of as the most fundamental roots of misogyny quickly turned out to be also a challenge of my own preconceptions and philosophies. What have I achieved since starting this blog? Have I convinced any man to stop producing or consuming degrading porn? No. Have I successfully addressed any harmful link between porn and gender inequality in daily life? No. Have I come to better understand why misogyny seems so blatant and prevalent? I think so. Have my thoughts and stances on porn, men, sexism and feminism changed? Definitely.

I would like to emphasise I still very much believe in the feminist cause. I can already hear the keyboards of misogynists and feminists alike typing thunderously, either congratulating me with my supposed assimilation into “The Patriarchy” or deriding me for supposedly betraying my gender and the ideals of a just society. Neither of this is true. I am a feminist, I have always been a feminist, and I will always be a feminist. Don't worry, I will explain why my beliefs have shifted, and why I think that does not make me any less of a feminist. If by the end you still disagree and feel like I am a gender traitor than those feelings are valid. You are entitled to your own opinion and I have nothing to say about that. I do, however, implore you to first read what I have to say and reflect on that before you form your judgment.

As many of you know, my content has shifted dramatically over the course of this blog. I started out by posting porn that I deemed as “acceptable”, fully aware of the gatekeeping I was committing but feeling justified in doing so. Yet this vague norm of “acceptability” became broader and broader as I came across porn that would be stretching that norm, but I could ultimately not fundamentally reject as being unacceptable. This is tied in with my own sexual awakening; the realization that I stunted myself and my need for sexual submission out of fear for causing, or inviting, harm to both myself and others – the entire cause of feminism and the idea of a just society even. Quite the pressure I put on myself. And a fundamentally unjust one at that. My sexuality is valid. It is one of the core values of feminism as I see it.

Reflecting this, the sexualities of others are equally valid. This is particularly relevant for sexually dominant men, who are the symbiotic antithesis of my own sexuality. This realization and acknowledgement of the validity of male sexual dominance is why my beliefs on what is acceptable as porn have shifted and now even includes the most degrading porn. In extension, it also means that I have come to realize that my gatekeeping was misplaced and I was, in fact, not justified in doing so, as it invalidated those sexualities.

This is where the crux lies for me. In the struggle for equality and justice, dominant men feel like their sexualities are being invalidated. And I hear many of you thinking, that this is male fragility or some other downplay of the issue. The fact of the matter is that, their sexuality ís being invalidated. Male dominance is more often than not being portrayed as inherently misogynistic by feminist commentators. This characterization is given to the most degrading porn that exaggerates its own antifeminism and misogyny, to relatively harmless expressions of appreciation of appearance. This deprives men of a nuanced exploration of their own sexuality, as every of their sexual expressions is rejected as being harmful.

Sexual needs are beasic human needs. Depriving someone of them is not much different than denying them food, water, shelter or speech. What do people do when they are deprived of basic needs? They will find more extreme ways to satisfy those needs. People will kill for food or water, turn to squatting for shelter. And in the face of censure? They will enhance their message to defy the censure. Just like heavy metal musicians, in the face of being accused of satanism, embraced that image and become more satanistic in lyric, sound and imagery. Hence in the face of growing feminist censorship, expressions of male sexuality, of which porn is the exponent, gets more degrading, misogynistic and antifeminist. It is a backlash against an intolerance of their basic needs. And who can blame them?

So why am I still a feminist? Because feminism is not the root cause. There is a lot of intellectual debate within feminism, and in that debate, there is certainly room for male sexualities. This is however not the feminism that you see or hear on public forums and in the media. The feminism that gets exposed to the public debate is the feminism of simplistic polarization. It is much easier to form stances and arguments if the nuance is left out. And also what is generating the most money by clicks and views. I would think this is the brand of feminism often associated with the term “SJW” even though that too is a broad generalization. So my problem lies not with feminism, but with the polarized version of it. A version, I am ashamed to admit, that I belonged too myself when I started this blog.

So should we just accept being reduced to sexual objects to satisfy male sexuality? This is a matter of consent, harm, and what you can and can't control. Of course people are in charge over their own bodies. In this context, men do not own women's bodies! No means no, and consent is sexy. That being said, there is nothing wrong with looking. Women are sexy! Women are fuckable! And why shouldn't a female movie hero be super hot? It acknowledges women as sexual beings in addition to our other qualities. It isn't a reduction to an object. It is the elevation to sexiness in addition to everything else a woman is.

That being said, it is inherently scary for women to be elevated in this way. This is because of the threat of bodily harm. It is because men are generally stronger and could overpower us, and we can only hope that they respect boundaries of consent, that women must be fearful of men. That is why we still need feminism. And why feminists have acted against male sexuality. Because of our own safety. We could handle a slap on the butt if we knew we would be safe if we said no! It is in other words in the interest of the basic needs of dominant men if they respect boundaries and consent. But in order to get them to that point, it is important to show them their sexuality matters.

I can already hear the keyboards again. Yes, I said men are generally stronger. No, this does not mean they are superior. Physical strength is only one attribute of people, and it in no way gives someone more value over the other. I could go on about other ways in which men and women are different or not at all different, and how that still does not say anything at all about supposed superiority of one gender over the other, as alle genders are equally valid, but that is beyond the scope of this essay. What I will say is this. Male and female sexualities in general are different. Of course all genders have many different sexualities but in general I find that most men are more sexually dominant and most women are more sexually submissive, even if it is lighlty so.

The act of penetration is inherently invasive and therefore dominant. This only serves to further exaggerate the problems I have outlined above. Men are scarier for women and more men are repelled by feminists seeking to be safe. It is hard for feminists to acknowledge this inconvenient truth, as it seemingly legitimizes acts of nonconsent or boundary violations. It doesn't. No means no. Understanding this truth however, allows for men, and women, to safely express their sexuality within the boundaries of consent. This requires a nuanced look on feminism, gender and male sexuality, which is stifled by the polarized debate.

In summary, the term feminism has been highjacked by political activists who use it to promote a polarized, simplistic version of feminism, which is detrimental to valid male sexuality and female safety. I was once one of them. The rise of degrading porn, antifeminism and widespread extreme misogyny is our own doing. We need to change how we talk about feminism to let men be men again, and for women to be safe again. For the sake of feminism: Fuck feminism!